|
Post by 4C-696E on Sept 18, 2006 21:56:08 GMT -5
We are lucky to have a very talented fan-fiction writer in our midst... I have read quite a bit of Star Wars stories on the internet and from what I've seen so far, this ranks at the top. Thanks 4C-696E, for taking the time to share your work here with us.
I have made this an announcement thread for now... to let everyone know about this excellent Star Wars story in the making... Please check back often for updates... and please give 4C-696E some feedback on her saga...
MIB
This is a story of my own creation. All original characters (with a cameo appearance by Yoda) and most of the action takes place on original planets. (Some is on Coruscant though). I have no idea how long I've been working on it, but it's been at least a few years off and on. I will be putting numbers at the bottom of each post to help me keep track of where I am with the posting. I hope you enjoy this story. I present to you now Book One of the Chronicles of Marna Veign: The Plan for Power **************************************************** Tahsh Hapay’s practice lightsaber cast a blue glow in the dimly lit arena. Blocks lay scattered around on the floor, and Tahsh knew that Jonathan Dartanus was in there somewhere. Though she wore no blindfold, she could not see. She had her brown eyes closed. During the long duel she was fighting, the dim lights had played tricks with her vision. Jonathan knew how to hide in the shadows and suddenly jump out at her, and had caught her off-guard more than once. He had nearly gotten her the last time, singeing her short black hair, and so she no longer trusted her eyes. She trusted only in the Force. As she felt around with the Force, she felt the attack come from behind her. She spun, blocking the green blade. She returned the attack, driving Jonathan backward. He leapt over a block, and on top of another. Then, he vaulted over her. As his lightsaber swung toward her head, she ducked and rolled. She swung her blade around and it connected with his left arm, mid-way between the wrist and elbow. Then, she swung it around the other way and hit his right side. “Ouch! Tahsh!” Jonathan called out as the silence of the arena melted away to the cheers of the watching crowd. The lights came up and Tahsh opened her eyes, seeing Jonathan holding his side. A voice rang out. “Won the match, Tahsh Hapay has.” Tahsh smiled, recognizing the odd way that Master Yoda always spoke. She bowed to Jonathan, who did not return the bow. “A match fairly won, Johnny.” she told him as she closed down the lightsaber and clipped it to her belt. “You know I don’t like to be called that, Tahsh. You had your eyes closed again, didn’t you?” Tahsh’s crooked smile was all the answer he needed. A deep anger rose inside him. He hated it when she fought with her eyes closed. He hated it when she called him Johnny. He hated that she had just cost him the last chance he had to become a Jedi Knight. Jonathan grew more and more angry at Tahsh. This was supposed to be his victory. He was the one the crowd was supposed to be cheering for, not her. The more he thought, the greater the anger became. Finally, he could stand there no longer. As Tahsh stood taking in the cheers of the crowd, Jonathan acted. He charged at her, practice lightsaber held above his head to come down at her. Tahsh turned toward him just before he could reach her with the lightsaber. There was no time for her to ignite her own blade again to block the attack. Realizing this, Tahsh focused in the Force. As Jonathan swung his lightsaber down toward her, she reached in and grabbed his hands, keeping the blade from hitting her. Holding on to Jonathan's hands, Tahsh rolled backwards and placed her feet on his gut, flipping him over to land on the floor above her head. She let him go and got to her feet quickly, igniting her blue blade to defend herself from another attack that did not come. Jonathan lay unconscious on the floor, head bleeding where it had hit a block. Tahsh had a sinking feeling as she looked on her fallen friend. “Oh, Jonathan. What have I done?” she said to herself. Five Jedi ran into the arena to where Jonathan lay. One of them was Inga Sjari, the Jedi that Tahsh and Jonathan had been dueling for. As the healers looked after Jonathan and took him away, Inga stood behind Tahsh, gentle hands on the girl’s shoulders. Tahsh reached up and held one of the hands that lay on her shoulder. After the healers were gone, Inga spoke. “Come, Tahsh Hapay. We should talk.” [glow=red,2,300]Prolog 1[/glow]
|
|
|
Post by Man in Black on Sept 18, 2006 23:34:49 GMT -5
You have me hooked so far...
This is really good, do you mind if I make this an announcement sticky thread? Maybe it will bring more members to your story and in turn to the Star Wars board.
|
|
|
Post by 4C-696E on Sept 19, 2006 7:35:18 GMT -5
I don't mind that at all. Kind of spread the word that the Star Wars section exists. I like the idea of being used for advertising...at least in this case.
|
|
|
Post by Xenopaul on Sept 19, 2006 10:16:10 GMT -5
I'm not much of a book reader but this is really good so far. I've read a few of the star wars novels and this could be one of them
|
|
|
Post by 4C-696E on Sept 19, 2006 15:11:57 GMT -5
I've had someone ask if I considered publishing it. My answer to that..."know any publishers?" ;D
I was thinking about having this about the length of the Jedi Apprentice books, but if they are that long, what I have written is at least two books. 115 pages(typed with times new roman font, size 12 with 1 inch margins) and growing.
|
|
|
Post by 4C-696E on Sept 19, 2006 15:19:39 GMT -5
One student in the Jedi Temple always seemed to stand out from the rest. Not because he was particularly unusual looking, or that he was especially good with mastering the Force, but because the sandy haired boy had absolutely no connection with the Force. And now, he hurried through the hallways of the Jedi Temple to the healers, where he spent most of his time. Dee knew better than to run. As it was, he did not really belong at the Jedi Temple. But he was allowed to be there, learning what he could about becoming a medic.
By the time Dee arrived in the med center of the Jedi Temple, Jonathan was beginning to awaken. He found his friend and rushed to his side.
“Jonathan.” Dee said, holding his friend’s hand.
Jonathan was more like a brother than a friend to Dee, and it hurt Dee to see Jonathan’s head bandaged, a lump forming under the bandage. Jonathan slowly opened his eyes.
“I hate her.” Jonathan said, anger in his voice. Dee knew exactly who he was talking about.
“Tahsh? But she’s one of your best friends.”
“She was one of my friends. She stole my last chance from me. She knows she always beats me when she closes her eyes, and she did it anyway. She knew Inga Sjari was my last chance, and she stole that from me. I swear I’ll get back at her someday.”
Dee could hear anger and hatred in Jonathan’s voice, and it scared him. He had seen Jonathan mad before, but never like this.
“Jonathan, you know she didn’t do it on purpose. Please, calm down. Find your center of peace.”
“Don’t you tell me what to do, Dee! You can’t feel the Force, you have no right to tell me what to do with it!”
“You know she doesn’t deserve this from you.”
“Leave me!”
Jonathan held a hand out, summoning the Force. Dee found himself being pushed backward toward the door. A healer looked up from what she was doing to see Dee flying through the air.
“Jonathan, calm yourself!” the healer said forcefully.
She looked to see Dee stand and stumble out. She looked back to Jonathan and activated a comlink.
“This is Jedi Kahdi. I need to speak with Tao-Jay Olmpro in regards to Jonathan Dartanus.”
Terrified of Jonathan's anger and hatred, Dee ran through the Temple corridors. Tears flowed freely down his cheeks as he ran. Jonathan was like a brother to him, and now, Dee felt betrayed. Never had anything like this happened to him. He had always been able to get through to Jonathan before.
As Dee ran, the fear worked its way out of his system. He felt his legs weaken from the exercise they were not used to, and he slowed to a stop. He leaned against a wall and slid to the floor, hugging his knees.
"How could Jonathan do something like this to me?" he thought. "How could he possibly think it's Tahsh's fault? Everyone who watched the duel could see she won fairly. He let anger get in the way." Dee realized. "It's not Jonathan that did that to me. It's his anger. The darkness in him."
Dee started to calm down, and his stomach rumbled. He realized that he needed food, and stood. Wiping the tears from his face, he started toward the cafeteria.
"Maybe Kane and Geisha can cheer me up." he thought as he walked to meet them.
[glow=red,2,300]Prolog 2[/glow]
|
|
|
Post by Man in Black on Sept 19, 2006 22:40:04 GMT -5
"I sense much fear in him"
|
|
|
Post by 4C-696E on Sept 19, 2006 22:57:08 GMT -5
"We are lucky to have a very talented fan-fiction writer in our midst... I have read quite a bit of Star Wars stories on the internet and from what I've seen so far, this ranks at the top. Thanks 4C-696E, for taking the time to share your work here with us."
Thanks. I'm very flattered, and I hope the rest of the story holds up to the expectations that I feel are now set. Please do post comments in here, mainly so I know people are reading.
I will go ahead and post the rest of the prologue section so I can finish setting up the story and get to the true tale.
Warning, this next part is a bit long.
|
|
|
Post by 4C-696E on Sept 19, 2006 22:59:16 GMT -5
Tahsh Hapay ran through the hallways to the cafeteria. She had news that she was bursting with excitement to tell her friends. News that overshadowed what had happened to Jonathan, by far.
She ran around a corner, and nearly bumped right into Master Tau-Jay Olmpro! The twi’lek Jedi Council member jumped to the side to avoid the imminent collision and grabbed Tahsh by the arm, stopping her in her tracks.
“Where do you think you’re going in such a hurry, Miss Hapay?” he asked, letting her go.
Tahsh looked down toward the floor, holding her arms down at her side in a way she knew twi’leks took as being submissive.
“I’m sorry, Master Olmpro. I just wanted to tell my friends. . . .”
“Something that could have waited a few minutes more as you walked to meet them.” Tau-Jay sighed. “I know you are leaving the Jedi Temple, Miss Hapay, but that gives no excuse to be breaking the running rule again. How many times is it this week? Five? Six?”
“Eight.” Tahsh answered.
"Eight times in three days." Tao-Jay said, shaking his head. "I just don’t know what to do with you, Miss Hapay.” Tau-Jay admitted.
“I’m sorry, Master. I just get so excited sometimes, I can’t hold back. I have so much energy inside me that I just have to run.”
“How many times do you have to hear the same words to get the lesson to sink in? Even when a Jedi has exciting news, he. . . .”
“Always keeps in control of his emotions and feelings.” Tahsh finished, mockingly.
Tau-Jay glared at Tahsh, who realized she may have made a mistake. He studied her for a moment, thinking of how to proceed with her this time. He sighed again. This one was a waste of his breath. No matter how many times he reprimanded her, she would not change, and he knew it.
“Perhaps under the care of Inga Sjari, you will mellow.” he told her. “Go to your friends, Miss Hapay. But, if you have this uncontrollable energy again, take it out in the practice room, not in the halls.”
Tahsh stood in shock, mouth hanging open. She could not believe it. He was letting her go without punishment. He had never done that before. He always gave harsh punishments. She stood frozen as he continued on his way, still not believing her luck. Finally, she recovered from the shock enough to continue to the cafeteria where she knew her friends would be.
When Tahsh entered the cafeteria, she was deep in thought of why Tau-Jay could have done that, and she had nearly forgotten her earlier excitement. She stood in line and got a tray of food. Then she looked for her friends.
“Hey, Bender! Over here!” she heard Kane call out.
Tahsh hurried over to a table where her dear friends sat eating. Most of them, at least. She noticed that Kane Elandin and Geisha Herris sat across from each other. Today, they were laughing, trying to get Dee to smile. Dee looked terribly upset today, and Tahsh believed she knew why. Usually, Jonathan Dartanus sat across from him, but Jonathan wasn’t here right now, and it was Tahsh’s fault. Tahsh thought of poor Dee. The kid was here in the Jedi Temple, not because he could use the Force, but because of Jonathan. Tahsh didn’t know much about Dee’s background, but she did know he came here with Jonathan. Apparently, the Jedi who found Jonathan took pity on Dee and brought them both to the Temple. Dee didn't mind being different. He liked to spend a lot of time with the healers, learning how to care for the sick and wounded.
“Hey, guys!” Tahsh said, placing her tray across from Dee, next to Kane. “You will not believe what happened to me just now.”
“You used a Jedi mind trick to get extra dessert?” Kane guessed.
“No.” Tahsh smiled, laughing a little.
“You were caught running in the halls again.” Geisha stated.
“How do you do that?” Tahsh asked her. Geisha always guessed things right off.
“You know me. Things just come. Besides, you're always getting caught running. Why do you think the guys started calling you ‘Bender’? This is, what, ten times this week?”
“Only eight.” Tahsh corrected.
“Eight?” Kane asked. “You’re not doing so good, Bender. Usually you’re up to eighteen by now.”
“Well, me getting caught again isn’t all of it. I was caught by Master Olmpro.”
“Bender, you’ve got to stop doing that.” Dee said quietly. “What’s the punishment this time?”
“There is none.” she said.
Everyone that heard the conversation stared at her, very much surprised. Tahsh took in the shocked attention she was getting.
“That’s what I said too.” she told them. “But there’s bigger news.”
"Bigger?" Kane asked. "How could any news be bigger than this? Master Olmpro always gives the worst punishments. Remember when you had to clean all the refreshers, and you convinced him that I was guilty too? That took all day, and by the time we were done, it was time for classes. I fell asleep while meditating."
“Believe me, Kane, this is bigger. Inga Sjari selected me to be her apprentice! Can you believe it? I’m going to be leaving with her tomorrow!”
“Wow! That’s great! Congratulations!” Kane exclaimed.
“Where are you going?” Geisha asked.
“I don’t know where we’re going yet. I’ll let all of you know . . . .”
Tahsh suddenly noticed that Dee was more withdrawn than normal. He was always a bit quiet, but not this much.
“What’s wrong, Dee?” she asked, concerned.
“I was thinking about Jonathan.”
The whole group quieted down at the mention of his name.
“How is he doing? Is he awake yet?” Tahsh asked.
“He is awake. He’s got quite a bump on the back of his head, but that was his own fault, Bender. Not your’s. It's his anger that did it, but he blames you. He’s really mad at you. And mad at me too.” Dee told Tahsh, looking down.
“I’m sorry, Dee. He has had a deep anger for a long time. I've felt it in him. I just never thought I'd have it directed at me. I should talk to him before I leave.”
“Bender, don’t. He wants to hurt you, and I think he'd be able to. For your own sake, stay away from him.”
Tahsh considered what Dee said.
"Alright, Dee. Let him know that I’ll miss him." She looked at her friends. "I’ll miss all of you."
[glow=red,2,300]End of Prologue[/glow]
|
|
|
Post by Man in Black on Sept 20, 2006 0:26:51 GMT -5
I can almost hear the opening music playing
|
|
|
Post by 4C-696E on Sept 20, 2006 10:55:15 GMT -5
Hmmm. Opening music, huh? ***Warning, the following is an example of my silliness. Beware!*** DUM! dum dum dum. Dum dum duh duh duh duh duh duh, duh, duh duh duh duh duh. Dum dum dum dum! (Trying to get the music going here with the dum's and duh's. Just imagine the begining of the music when the words start scrolling, and you should get it.) Star Wars Episode...uh .00000005? *music winds down and comes to a stop* I don't think that is going to quite work out like that. Perhaps this: Music starts again. Star Wars The Chronicles of Marna Veign Episode One The Plan for Power
It is about 200 years before the time of Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi. The Jedi are a strong presence in the galaxy and are often called upon to keep the peace.
A new generation of young padawans are prepairing to be selected as the apprentices to the Jedi Knights, as preparation to becoming Jedi themselves.
Meanwhile, trouble is brewing elsewhere in the galaxy, as it always does... That actually does kind of set up the rest of the story. ;D I think I'll keep that as a bit of an unofficial 'opening scroll' for the tale. Anyway, how about Chapter One? I'll see about getting that up later today.
|
|
|
Post by 4C-696E on Sept 20, 2006 12:37:23 GMT -5
Fifteen years later... Captain Slader stood before the Royal Family on Neuterian. Being Captain of the Royal Security Force, he was concerned about Palace Security. Saboteurs had been getting into the palace grounds and causing problems. He believed they were getting in through the Gardens, but he could not determine exactly where or how. Slader presented to King Agmel an idea that he believed was long overdue that would help find the intruders and stop the sabotage. "Holocams, Your Majesty." Slader told them. "If we were to install holocams among the palace grounds, my men could detect how the intruders get in and we can stop them." Jerill Durrango, aid to twenty-year-old Crown Prince Imalka, stood to address the King. "Your Majesty, I do not believe it necessary to spend the money for the holocams. I ask you, how will that stop the saboteurs? I propose we put the grounds on lock-down until the guards determine where they enter and block it off." "If I may, Your Majesty," Slader said, glancing at Jerill, "the cams will make it possible to learn where they are coming in, if there is thorough coverage. People can easily duck away from guards, but not so with holocams." King Agmel thought. After a short time, he stood. "Captain Slader, I grant your request. Install the holocams." Jerill looked over at Crown Prince Imalka. It was up to Imalka now. Imalka caught the hint in Jerill's gaze and spoke. "Father, please do not put any holocams at the Grotto Pool. I love swimming there. It will take away from my pleasure if I know cams are watching me." "So be it." Agmel said. "Let holocams be placed among the Gardens, leaving the Grotto Pool as it is. There are to be no holorecordings of the pool so as to not offend the Royal Family." Captain Slader bowed and left. Imalka requested to be excused and left with Jerill. They were soon joined by Jerill's servant, Dayne, and the three walked together to the Gardens, heading for the Grotto Pool. They spoke of trivial things until they neared their destination. The Grotto was Imalka's favorite place in the Gardens. High cliffs rose above the natural looking pool. A waterfall poured into the pool at one end, creating a feeling of peace. At the opposite end of the pool, where the trail entered the Grotto, runoff water formed a stream about a meter deep that flowed along the path. When they were sure they were alone, Jerill got serious. "We have to get rid of him, My Prince. He could ruin everything." Jerill told Imalka, destroying the peace he always felt in the Grotto. "How do you mean 'get rid of him'? You mean kill my father?" Jerill nodded. Imalka could hardly believe what was going on. He knew that the success of Jerill's plan depended on the entrance through the Gardens, but kill King Agmel because he allows the holocams to be installed? "Listen Imalka, King Agmel is determined to stop the plan from going forth. He doesn't care about who is responsible for the sabotage. He doesn't care about the clues that have been left implying that pirate group. If he doesn't blame the pirates, then all is lost. For this to work, I need to get in a situation where I can prove to Agmel that I am a good diplomat. A good advisor. He is not taking the bait, and therefore, he has to go." Imalka was speechless. His trusted aid was serious about this. Jerill turned to Dayne. "I want you to go to the lake castle and retrieve the vial in my bed chamber. You know the one I mean." Jerill stated. "Yes. I do as you request, Jerill." Dayne responded. Dayne pressed a section of wall behind the waterfall and a door opened, revealing a passage that lead outside the Palace grounds. He ducked inside and the door closed behind him, disappearing completely into the cliff face. "Agmel needs to be eliminated, and I know how and when it will be done." Jerill told Imalka. "You told me nobody would get hurt if I went along with you on this." Imalka complained. "Things change." [glow=red,2,300]Chapter 1, section 1[/glow]
|
|
|
Post by Man in Black on Sept 20, 2006 22:14:17 GMT -5
Hmmm. Opening music, huh? ***Warning, the following is an example of my silliness. Beware!*** Meesa thinks yousa mebe have come to da right place for silliness ;D Nice first chapter... "Things change". I like that
|
|
|
Post by 4C-696E on Sept 21, 2006 20:05:55 GMT -5
Meesa thinks yousa mebe have come to da right place for silliness ;D Hey, you're the one who inspired that little bit of silliness. I think it is safe to say I've found the right place for me to crash on-line. I'll get the next part up soon. Like, within minutes of this post. If anyone else is reading the story, feel free to post your opinions. I love to hear from readers.
|
|
|
Post by 4C-696E on Sept 21, 2006 20:09:54 GMT -5
Six days later, Dayne returned to the Palace just as the the morning light started to peek over the eastern mountains. He was met by Jerill at the main Palace doors. They walked to Jerill's room in silence, and Dayne could tell Jerill had anger boiling inside him. As the door to Jerill's room closed, Dayne braced himself for the attack he knew would come.
"What do you mean, taking six days to do something that takes less than one?" Jerill demanded.
"I've been thinking, Jerill. I've followed you without question all these years. I've done everything you asked without asking anything of you. Now I'm begging you. Please don't do this." Dayne pleaded. "This is far beyond anything else you have done."
"I am going through with it whether you like it or not. I've spent too much time planning and working towards this to stop now. Give me the vial."
Jerill held out a hand and Dayne handed over a small green vial. Jerill looked at it. Rage showed in his face, and a fist swung out, connecting with Dayne's jaw. Dayne fell to the floor.
"You fool! This is the wrong one, and you know it!"
"I will warn them about what you are planning to do, Jerill."
Jerill kicked Dayne in the gut, and the servant rolled over in pain on the floor.
"Egan, get in here!" Jerill called out.
One of the guards outside the door came in. He looked at Dayne, then at Jerill.
"Take him back to the castle. He is not to leave there. Get the small silver vial from my bedchamber. It's on the chest of drawers. Don't forget, the silver one. I need you back before the King's birthday banquet. Go."
|
|